The Trip My Brain Remembered Wrong

For the first two days in Goa, I was having exactly the holiday I’d wanted. I was with some of my closest friends from college, catching up over food and drinks. We spent time at the beach. Conversations went on for ages, often about things that really didn’t deserve that much discussion. I’d missed being around them.

On the third day, I fell out with a close friend. I’ll leave the argument out of this. It upset me enough that I decided to go home early, where I then managed to burn myself in an accident with hot water.

By that point, I was fairly miserable.

Ask me how Goa was a few days later and I’d probably have said, “Terrible.” The argument came to mind immediately, followed by the accident. That was the holiday as far as my memory was concerned.

Two whole days of enjoying myself had barely made it into the account.

That bothered me. I could remember those days when I thought about them properly. I’d been happy to be there. Somehow, when it came to deciding whether I’d enjoyed the trip, I kept leaving them out.

Why the ending stuck

I started reading about memory and came across the peak-end rule. The idea is that especially intense moments and the ending of an experience can carry a lot of weight when we judge it afterwards. The rest can get surprisingly little consideration.

One experiment helped me understand it. Daniel Kahneman and his colleagues had people put a hand in painfully cold water for 60 seconds. In another trial, they repeated that minute and added 30 seconds during which the water gradually became slightly warmer. It was still uncomfortable.

When participants were asked which trial they’d repeat, most picked the longer one. They were choosing an extra half-minute in cold water. The slight relief towards the end seemed to make that version easier to face again.

A short experiment can only tell me so much about a falling-out with a friend. My accident had also happened after I’d left Goa. I’d included it in the same miserable sequence anyway, so it had become part of how I remembered the holiday.

Reading about the rule gave me a reason to question that first verdict.

What I’d been leaving out

I started wondering where else I might be doing this. Would half an hour waiting for the bill become the main thing I remembered about a good dinner? How much of a relationship could disappear from the way I described it after a painful ending?

It’s an uncomfortable thought. A quick answer can leave an awful lot out.

I still feel unhappy about how Goa ended. The friendship was affected, and the burn hurt. Calling what happened a memory bias wouldn’t explain away either of those things.

I’m just trying to give a fuller account now. When I catch myself dismissing the whole trip, I go back to the days before the argument. I remember why I’d wanted to spend time with those friends in the first place. The enjoyment was there while it was happening.

I’ve also started paying more attention to goodbyes. After a few days away with friends, I’d like to leave time for a proper conversation before everyone heads home. Some endings will be messy regardless.

As for Goa, I doubt it’ll ever become a favourite holiday. I’d still like to remember those first two days. I had a good time with people I cared about. That deserves some space when I tell the story.